My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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