Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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