Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
