um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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