They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
