roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
im calling her cock vulture from now on
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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