You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
