Cold hands, warm shart.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
