I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
