Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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