It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
