You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize