I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
