it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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