so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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