I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
