We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
