He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
