I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
