Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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