i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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