thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
