he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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