her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
