i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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