Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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