Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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