U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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