I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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