I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
