I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
