The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
