Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
