the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
