I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
