Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
