i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i think my tv is drunk
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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