just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
