But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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