quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
