I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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