he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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