I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
this beer tastes like vomit already
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize