Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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