if only i could text you this smell
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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