Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
