my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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