He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
