I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
