It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
