I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
