Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
