I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
