dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
