Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
