We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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