rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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