Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
