Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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