And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
