Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
