I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
