Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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