Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
