I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
